Gossip Girl and Her Gay: shewired.com

When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and today’s guest gay, GayWired.com Editor at Large Duane Wells, prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

In the wake of the election and Prop. 8’s historic and hateful passing the lesbian gossipy girl and the guest gay are feeling malaise, although bolstered by the perpetual protesting and of post-protest cocktails. This week the duo skewers Grey’s Anatomy and the networks decision to nix the only storyline that didn’t double as an Ambien with a Grey Goose chaser. Plus the Real Housewives of Atlanta are one countrified hot mess, Madonna soldiers on with the war paint, Cher on Ellen Degeneres and Oprah faces off with Tina Fey.

Duane WellsTEG: Hey darling Duane. You there?

DW: Sorry I was on a call. Okay I’m all yours.

TEG: Oooh. I know you’re a busy boy… Thanks for filling in while Ross is too busy for me. First up, since this we’re popping your gossip girl and her gay cherry, is anything too off-color?

DW: For me? Never… I love off color…

TEG: Oh Good. Okay, so we should talk about this election. What’s with these fucking Mormons? I mean I’ve seen Big Love. I know what they’re up to and I’d love to have three wives… especially that adorable Ginnifer Goodwin.

DW: Yeah… I really think they’ve got their nerve. A religion founded on secrecy, polygamy and racist overtones has the audacity to inject itself in the gay marriage debate. I suppose from that perspective they might feel like they know a thing or two about marriage since they seem to believe in so many of them. Oh and I did we even talk about child brides? Give me a break!

TEG: That’s true. I’ll tell you what though. I’d rather be a second class citizen rather than be forced to wear those fugly prairie skirts and a thick ass braid down my back. Have you been out marching and if so, what’s your fave protest outfit?

DW: Well fashion has never been a Mormon trait. Maybe they’re so stuck in the past they can’t see the future. At least not beyond that God-awful fashion. I mean really are we to allow people who dress like that determine our gay future. When they can figure out contemporary fashion tell them to ring us up again and we’ll chat marriage. Haven’t been out marching sadly. But if I were to be out protesting… I’d opt for slim cut jeans and fitted t-shirt. Some of those activists are Hawt! Why not kill two birds with one stone? Who said protests have to be boring darling?

TEG: Would you sport your signature scarf?

DW: Oh absolutely! Make a statement, find a man I always say. It’s the best of both worlds!

TEG: I dropped everything and ran out the front door of the building yesterday. I walked two miles up Wilshire before I turned around realizing my purse was open and the office was closing. I didn’t have time to get to the gym, so the four-mile march was perfect.

DW: See… there are all sorts of benefits to community organizing. Fitness, fashion, dating… I think it’s going to be the new rage! Thank God!

TEG: And you know dykes love to march. It’s a reason to whip out the hiking boots.

DW: Yeah gays like to cocktail and complain… But your people love a protest. And good on you for that.

TEG: Cept me. I love a protest followed by a cocktail or a flask for the road.

DW: Hah! You are a woman after my own heart! Sometimes you need the cocktail to deal with the rally. You know crowds make me nervous some times.

TEG: Mmmmhmmm. That’s the whole point of “Gossip Girl and Her Gay”. We do get along.

DW: Indeed… it’s why we love you!

TEG: Well, I know you need your secret service men with you to face your public.

DW: Well… it’s just all that jostling and invasion of personal space. But if the cause demands I shall soldier on.

TEG: Anyway… do you watch that drip of a show Grey’s Anatomy? How could they fire the girl in the well from Silence of the Lambs?

DW: You know I think I am one of the five Americans who does not watch Grey’s Anatomy… I’m ashamed to say that beyond Patrick Dempsey there’s not quite enough eye candy for me. Besides I watched ER. I get the gist. LOL.

TEG: I hate it… personally, but if big-piped Sara Ramirez was going to get it on with a girl, I was going to tune in. Now screw it. And ER has and always been much Better!  Although, it’s a little long in its tooth now.

DW: Yeah what’s up wit that Sara Ramirez story?

TEG: ABC got cold feet. Nixed the Lez storyline.

DW: ABC must have gotten wind of what was to come with Prop 8. Arrrggggh!

TEG: Yeah. It was a double slap in the face. What are you watching these days darling?

DW: Oh well I’m becoming an aficionado of The Real Housewives of Orange County… of Atlanta I mean.

TEG: Oh Damn!  I haven’t seen it yet. I’m sure it’s a hot mess. Tell me about your fave hot mess. What’s her name? who does she cuss out etc…

DW: Honey… when Hot Mess does not even begin to capture the magic!  There’s Nene and Sheree… and baby they don’t like each other!  It’s all out war of the cattiest degree.

TEG: Have they ripped out the other’s weave yet?

DW: Not yet, but the funny thing is that they thing they’re all so fabulous and they are straight up country! Transplant them to LA and we’d goof them like nobody’s business. Bunch of drag queens. Although I might be friends with Nene. For the gossip alone.

TEG: I love that ‘country.’ Being a naive white girl from Connecticut I never heard the term before applied to Urban African American ladies. And by ladies, in this case, I use the term loosely.

DW: As you should. We use the term quite frequently down south.

TEG: Oh yes, tell the girls where you’re from Duane.

DW: I grew up six hours from Atlanta in Jacksonville, Florida where being country is an art form. So I know those ‘ladies.’

TEG: Oh yeah. Jacksonville.  I think I ate at a Hooters on the water there once.

DW: I love Hooters!

TEG: There’s some mall like thing with a hooters on the shore?

DW: The Riverwalk.

TEG: I can’t imagine you in a hooters… motor-boating the waitresses… Yeah. I was at that Riverwalk once.

DW: Jacksonville’s prize claim to fame. Yeah the waitresses love me at Hooters. Because we’re like girlfriends. I go every chance I get!

TEG: You lend them your lip gloss?

DW: And offer fashion advice of course!  Like girl… lose the hose and the sneakers!  Egads!

TEG: Yeah. That is not a good look.

DW: Never was… never will be.

TEG: I never liked it on businesswomen walking around the park in Hartford on lunch hour. Skirt suit, hose and trainers. uggg.

DW: It’s all so disturbing… let’s not go there. I’ll have nightmares from my youth.

TEG: I won’t push it. Well, then we have a date to go to Hooters and eat nachos… or you can have wings but I’m a still an insufferable lesbian vegetarian.

DW: You’re on! We can go the one in Hollywood!

TEG: Oh yes… Hollywood Hoots. I have a Hooters top from Atlantic City and I’ll tell you, the girls look good in that shit.

DW: And yes those Hooters tops are flattering! Even a queen like me must agree.

TEG: Did you happen to catch Madonna or is she too dried up for you?

DW: You know I was so underwhelmed by Confessions I couldn’t see tossing $400 at Madge this time around. I’ve heard not great things though… and from her biggest fans! Did you hear she was two hours late going on last night?

TEG: I did not but she’s a day older, that base takes a while.

DW: You mean paint don’t you? That shit is industrial strength!

TEG: Oh, I was being kind. She is a gay icon after all.

DW: Well she is… and I applaud her but c’mon. Cher‘s keeping it together  Madge can too.

 TEG: Madge is painting it on like she’s in a spray tan place.

DW: That’s what I mean. Cher’s face may not move, but hey… you know…

TEG: I heard Britney Spears showed up, lucid and wearing a new weave.

DW: What was up with her buttoned up outfit though? That was country!

TEG: Maybe the Mormon church got to her!

DW: So Tennessee!

TEG: Hahaha…  Now Tennessee is my girl Dolly Parton!

DW: Whoop… whoop! Props to Dolly… I love that old thing! Can’t get enough of her!

TEG: A heart as big as her cup size I always say!

DW: Never heard anything but great things about her…now that’s a star…and honey the drag! I live for it!

TEG: Did you catch Cher on Ellen this week?

DW: OMG… I’m such a loser… I was so wrapped up in the election madness that I saw hardly any television.

TEG: Oh no, That’s a good loser thing. If you said you were hung up on Days of our Lives and missed the election that would be bad.

DW: I guess you’ve got a point there.  I feel like a ship without sail now that it’s all over

TEG: The election?

DW: But then again there’s still Prop 8.

TEG: Oh… this will go on for a while.

DW: And all the homophobia in America which is pissing me off to no end. I can hardly be joyous.

TEG: I know. I cried at work the other morning. The gays are not going way. We are going to march, love, fornicate and accessorize.

DW: And drink… all the things we do best. As a friend’s mother used to say… ‘America made my ass want to suck a lemon.’

TEG: That’s right. Keep those bartenders busy although with the economy I’m having to frequent my two-buck Chuck stash more than I care to.  LOVE that! Ass suck a lemon.

DW: Yeah… $14 cocktails seem a bit of an unnecessary luxury these days. I always loved that phrase as well.

TEG: Was she from Georgia or Alabama cuz that sounds like something Miss Sipsy would say in Fried Green Tomatoes.

DW: Southern women are nothing if not colorful. No just from ol’ country Jacksonville, Florida Child you haven’t seen country until you’ve been J-ville. It really is southern Georgia!

TEG: I guess the Riverwalk doesn’t give me the full view.

DW: Not at all… that’s high-fallutin’ Jacksonville. LOL.

TEG: I know you’re out of the loop but did you happen to catch Oprah on 30 Rock?

DW: No but I saw a clip. That O… she’s everywhere…  Funny?

TEG: And by big O I mean Obama’s publicist.

DW: LOL Amen!

TEG: She was funny. A good sport. But Tina Fey is on a roll.

DW: Say that again and again.

TEG: The woman is hot.

DW: Tina Fey is finally getting her due. She’s a real talent! She had me at Mean Girls!  Which I still secretly watch when I’m blue.

TEG: Oh I know… Fugly Slut. Brilliant and the trust falls in the gym…

DW: Who’s a fugly slut? Tina Fey?

TEG: oh No… that was the phrase in Mean Girls. I assume she wrote it.

DW: Indeed she did. I just got confused there for a minute.

TEG: I’m not fugly but maybe a little slutty… anyway….

DW: Honey you may be slutty… I don’t know your life, but you ain’t fugly. Trust.

TEG: Alright love… Ross, who was too busy to Gossip Girl with me is yapping at me about Cyndi Lauper, drag queens,All My ChildrenThe ChangelingPatti LaBelle. You name it. So I gotta run to find out what that girl is on about.

DW: Have fun! Wells out!

TEG: Ciao.